Back in January I attended the follow up seminar of my 18 month Living Tantra Training and… I got married, well sort of. There was an invitation to partner up with another person for the day to see how it feels to be in relationship, consciously observing how we relate to one another. In the video above I explain that I was partnered with one of my good friends on the course and found that he was a great secure base for me.
The other exercise was about exploring our internal parts through voice dialogue. I am no stranger to being in dialogue with Little Lesley and teenager Lesley so I felt quite comfortable exploring this work. The idea was to identify the parts that are running the show, that are perhaps holding me back from being the full expression of who I can be. We practised being in conversation with these parts, exploring why they are present, what role they have played, how they have served us and then played around with turning the volume down on one part and up on another. My key insight was that often my internal parts don’t feel safe or loved and so my actions and behaviour have been impacted by this. Bringing conscious awareness to this means that I can choose to give love, nurture and safety to those parts so that I can feel settled and grounded. I bought these sequin cushions as a reminder that everyday I can choose to be in a place of safety and love.
That all sounds wonderful and positive AND alongside all of this I’ve been riding some super stormy seas over the past few months……
I’ve spent many years in my head completely cut off from my body and as I have progressed deeper into my tantra journey my body has started to defrost from its frozen state and old traumas have started to emerge. Our Body Keeps the Score! Over the past 5 months or so I’ve been navigating a rather complex landscape of high stress, trauma, disassociation and energy awakening. At its peek my body was going into violent convulsions for up to 45 minutes, multiple times a day. I was having emotional flashbacks, being triggered at work during home visits resulting in my nervous system being absolutely fried. It wasn’t all bad though, I would also go into states of bliss and experience a deep sense of peace and oneness.
I’m pretty much back to my ‘normal’ self now thanks to plenty of rest, seeing a Somatic Experiencing Trauma Therapist, having reflexology, living with some amazing caring and compassionate people and attending a bioenergetics, emotional release and rebirthing weekend at Osho Leela which blasted the convulsions out of me!!!! Walks and runs in nature have been an absolute life line providing plenty of grounding. I’m now able to enjoy the subtle energy waves without all the complicated trauma stuff.
So the mega decision I took was to leave work, I’m really learning what I need in order to support my nervous system and working with families with multiple and complex needs definitely doesn’t align with that. I now have the internal question of “what next” on repeat and my striving and controlling parts need regular soothing. It is great that I can observe the internal struggle, send love inwards and be in my adult integrated self saying “we’ll be ok, all will be well”….
So, I’m not entirely sure what the next chapter will hold. I’m trying to allow space to see what emerges, connecting with my values so that I can build a life from the inside out, reflecting on what my gifts are and what I can offer the world.
…being top of my list.
…what a ride!