Sex Positive – I hear this a lot – but what does it actually mean? I am really inspired by Silva Neves philosophy of what sex-positive and pleasure-positivity means, which are shared in both of his books Compulsive Sexual Behaviours and Sexology. Here is Silva’s breakdown of what sex positive means.
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- Exploring, Embracing and Celebrating the Erotic Template (sexual fantasies, thoughts, desires, arousals and behaviours) without judgement.
- Accepting that one person’s erotic turn-on can be another person’s erotic turn-off.
- Being loyal to sexual authenticity: being aware of your erotic palette, and to keep in touch with it as it changes over time, with new experiences and maturing.
- Understanding sexual boundaries. What is legal and consensual. What feels good and what doesn’t feel good.
- Understanding that sex is not addictive.
- Understanding, accepting and celebrating the wide range of gender, sexuality and relationship diversity, including transgender people, asexuality, bisexuality, queer, kinks, fetishes, polyamory etc.
- Being willing to learn more about gender, sexuality and relationship diversity when you think you have a blind spot.
- Understanding sexual behaviours need to align with the person’s core values and sexual integrity.
- Accepting and celebrating all body shapes.
- Being willing to challenge sex-negativity and to promote sex-positivity and pleasure-positivity with our peers and communities.
What I love about this list, is it gets me to reflect on how “sex positive” I am in both my personal and professional life, what areas I feel rooted in and what areas have space for me to learn, grow and understand more in. I love the radical point that sex is not addictive – this statement is unpacked a lot in his book on Compulsive Sexual Behaviours – a hugely inspiring read. After a lively Facebook discussion around this post, I would add to the list:
- An understanding that our sexuality is a fundamental aspect of who we are.
A core part of my work with clients is supporting them to connect to the innocence and power of their sexuality. I really celebrate the full vibrant spectrum of what sexuality can be from slow sex, to kinky sex, to vanilla. Deeply holding the cauldron of emotions that sex can stir up with care and compassion and exploring what might be blocking them from embodying the sexuality that they most deeply yearn for. Those blocks might be memory, a belief, a trauma, lack of education. My sessions are gentle, slow with a deep integration of the mind/body connection.
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