I spent a majority of my 20’s completely out of it, wasted, off my face. I would drink at least a bottle of wine a night and at the weekends would party hard with my friends on a variety of chemical cocktails. I had a lot of fun. I used to pride myself on being “the last woman standing”. When I wasn’t drinking or partying I would use food to numb myself further. I was completely disconnected from my body, escaping myself, running away from feeling. I was shut down in my relationships, didn’t have a sense of my boundaries and was seeking love and fulfilment through sex. Not so much fun.
I want to scream and shout from the roof tops….
There is another way!
I have been on an incredibly powerful journey over the past 4 years with huge growth and learning which has been accelerated through practising tantra, investigating love and understanding intimacy and relationships. As a result I have been awakened to a powerful energy force that is within us all. The same energy that connects me to the earth, to you, to life. My body is alive, yes I’m now super sensitive but I feel alive, yes I feel more deeply and can get overwhelmed but I AM ALIVE, connected to myself and to source.
I have recognised that a large part of my previous disconnect was masking a fear of abandonment and a belief that I am not enough. I can see it all so vividly now and am excited to be able to park that story and create a life and belief system that really serves me. Starting with…
Stepping into my radiance
Little Lesley may believe that she is not enough but now she has a role model to look up to, the super incredible empowered adult me. As a way of reminding myself of my goodness I created this word collage which is displayed next to my bed. The belief of not being enough will not disappear, however it can get quieter and I am consciously choosing more loving beliefs to cushion me out of my old stories. Our thoughts are so powerful, they really are and it is lovely to remember that I can be more conscious about what thoughts I pour my energy into.
I’m continuing on this rollercoaster adventure, staying at Osho Leela for the summer and looking ahead to my future career and aspiring to sharing my experience and knowledge with other young women. If ONLY I had met the now me in my 20’s.
Instead of taking drugs find a group of friends that you can explore conscious loving touch with, that will make you high, help you feel connected to yourself and others AND it is free and natural. Want to feel a rush of energy then go dancing and start a breathing practice. Want to feel sexy then put on some music, move your hips, make some sound, breathe, breathe, breathe. Definitely don’t buy into the messages of porn or even the general mainstream understanding of sex – YOU are the universe and when you honour yourself and another human being and tap into this infinite energy source your world and sexuality will expand. Sounds exciting huh…? If you think I’m just making this stuff up then why not give it a little try and see what unfolds…. magic is just waiting to happen to you, with you, for you.
Onwards on my journey….why not come along with me…. ♥
Lesley you are one incredible daughter only your mother can be so proud of you..love you always. Mum xx
Thanks Mumma love you x