Chapter One was the creation of this blog, learning how to love and care for myself. Chapter Two was about adventure and independence, learning to face my loneliness and finding comfort and enjoyment being on my own. I turn the page and bring you Chapter Three… exploring intimacy and relationships.
I have been a bit of a serial relationshipper and yet despite this I absolutely suck at it. It has been quite an uncomfortable process for me to realise my relationship patterns and how I have been unconsciously using them as a way to fulfill my unmet needs. I’ll cut myself some slack, we all do it, I’ve arrived at the party a bit late and only just realised. I still carry sadness in my heart though for how my relationships have been but find comfort in the fact that I just didn’t know how to BE in a relationship. Why on earth don’t they teach us this stuff as teenagers (side note, future career aspiration).
After all of this insight I went on a bit of a love enquiry unpicking what happens to our brains when we fall in love and understanding why it feels so delicious and moorish. I looked into why I fancy a certain ‘type’ of man and what factors influence the reasons behind this. I investigated what love means on a spiritual level and floated into the realisation that I AM love.
Over the past few years I have been exploring the wonderful world of tantra and have just completed the first weekend of an 18 month course with Jan Day. The more I dive into this work, the more fired up and inspired I get which has ripples across all aspects of my life. I’m breaking old patterns of relating, understanding why I shut down when I find someone attractive, understanding the nature of rejection and abandonment and how this can play out in my day to day life. Learning how to embrace my YES and be confident in my no and recognising the importance of touch and intimacy.
I keep hearing people saying that relationships and sexuality are the last things people think to explore when on their self development journey. I can understand why, this stuff can be scary and there can be so much shame attached to sexuality. There is so much rich learning to be had when you are working in partnership with another person, I’m working on things that two years of psychotherapy didn’t remotely touch on, it is quite incredible.
So I’m looking forward to sharing my insights over the next 18 months, it’s going to be quite a chapter.
