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I’ve always felt a kind of freedom in not having a strong desire to have children. It has meant that my life choices have been open and relaxed. My choice of partner has not been governed by my need for a family and my choice in career and travel have been – well – I had an easier option to do those things.

I never really had exposure to babies or young children until very recently. Two of my friend’s children have completely blasted my heart open and I have a love for them in a way that I’ve never experienced before. It’s beautiful and as a result this question kept popping into my mind:

“Am I truly at peace with not having kids”

Let’s just say that this new opening has rocked my foundations some what. My concrete knowing has dissolved and it has felt unsettling.

So…I’ve been giving space to this. Connecting with what it would mean to carry life in my womb and experiencing labour. I so love being a woman. My mind is absolutely blown that I can grow a human inside of me and I completely celebrate the amazingness of this.…and I connect to the grief of not experiencing the full potential of what my body can create if I choose not to have children.

Such rich raw tender emotion when holding both possibilities in each hand.

I bought a beautifully painted picture of a fetus that I found at a festival and placed it on my alter. Honouring this opening and all that it entails. Giving space to the feelings and emotions and potential of each individual path.

And in allowing it, I’ve landed peacefully back in my place of choosing not to have children. Foundations restored phew….whilst also acknowledging that life may have other plans for what my mind thinks.

I imagine this opening will expand and contract again as my body matures and I’ll know to return to my alter and connect to the truth of my heart and womb.

Im totally digging the beauty and complexity of navigating life today.

Yum.

Photo by Luise and Nic on Unsplash

4 Comments

  • Amanda says:

    For women that actively choose not to have a child, I think it’s inevitable that there will be times of questioning and doubt; however, equally for those that choose to have children I’m sure that they too will also question that decision, I certainly have many times. I think it’s natural to wonder what our lives would be like lived differently.

  • Deb Bee says:

    Thanks for this, such a delicate inward analysis. I’ve questioned my decision too, over the years, but I always have more reasons not to (about 150) and about 3 reasons to do it.

    So much love for you ♥️

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